Applying Logic to Harry Potter

one learns that

• Hermione Granger is autistic - it's why she's incapable of Judgement, like that mind-wiping her parents is EVIL
• HG married Ron (the Peter Pettigrew of the trio) because her love for authority + a Nazi regime that wants to kill her led to crushingly low self-esteem - a desperation move for a girl who thinks she has nothing to look forward to in life
• Lockhart wasn't really a narcissist, he was a psychopath
• Ronald is a narcissist, a Lickspittle and Hedonist to be specific
• Mrs Figg is a turncoat who sold out to the Dursleys for money and/or to backstab Dumbles. The alternatives are that Dumbledore is Evil, or that what the Dursleys did isn't considered abuse in the Whizzy world.
• transfiguration and conjuration are fake - just holograms and forcefields
• and Whizzes are too stupid to understand that! - JKR just wrote random crap and it's totally by accident that it's self-consistent so it's not like she could explain her magic system.
• Hogwarts Houses are cults with charismatic leaders - it's no coincidence that between the two Gryffs on staff, only one is charismatic and the other is his minion - see how far into AU you have to go to make Hogwarts a premiere institution of learning (also portrays a living breathing Wizarding World)
• the Whizzes' intention-based system of magic robs them of the capacity for common sense and logic, reducing them to wishful thinking - save us, save us, someone save us! - magic is BAD!
• the Whizzy world's talking creatures and magical potions (to say nothing of Hags, Werewolves and Vampires) strongly encourages psychopathy - stewing magical creatures "as soon as they reach sexual maturity"? Uhuh.
• the Pissers stay in the Whizzy world either due to copious use of Compulsions or Shared Insanity - their brains can no longer manage the rudimentary logic even the mentally deficient non-magicals can do - what else can explain the lack of illegal smuggling of artifacts for money? Or the pathetic threadbare pastiche of a society and culture that is the Whizzy World? Like anyone liking Quidditch!
• the Wand warped Dumbles' brain making him batshit crazy to the point where he was fostering Dark Lords just so they'd kill him, or he them. HP and the Prophecy were always an obstacle to Dumbles' insane plans for glory.
• Dumbles was probably an artificial narcissist
• Dumbles completely brainwashed HP and may have put his own horcrux into HP to resurrect himself in HP's body - Albus Severus Potter? WTF?
• if not that then HP has fully assimilated the 'child abuse is a good thing!' philosophy of JKR and tortures his first born
• the Stone creates Sirens that lure the Stone's user to his or her death - HP's "parents" were fake
• the Cloak curses its user into insignificance, possibly a desire for insignificance, and apathy towards meeting Death
• the most important character in the series is Death: since He manages to wipe out both HP and Dumble. Yay!

messages that JKR sends

• child abuse is normal - the only okay parents (Hermione's and Draco's) are mythological and/or really Evil
• racism is great! - "muggle" even sounds like "ugly"
• concentration camps and genocide are swell - just good old boys acting out, forgive and forget she says!
• you'll go far on luck and self-sacrifice - in fact, that's the ONLY way to advance.
• anger is the only possible form of emotional depth and as such the only possible proof you aren't a psychopath, everyone who isn't angry is Evil. Only exception: Cedric, whom we don't see much of at all.
• the best government is no government, yay for patriarchal feudalism!
• the Clan Leader (Grandfather Dumbles) is owed Fealty unto death
• it's really okay to abandon your kids (the Potters, Black, Dumbles with Harry, Dumbles with every student, Lupin) - I'm sure JKR wished it every day
• child services are horrors, oops "aurors".
• children should be gone and good riddance - most of the students could have been day students and it would made no difference except to make the lack of extracurriculars more realistic!
• you CAN throw random crap together and write a book ... so long as you don't give a shit what message it sends!

Want to hear of the Nazi lessons in The Never Ending Story? Because that book WAS written by one of the parents-of-Nazis who raised the Nazi generation to be what they are. It makes you wonder, doesn't it? And then you stop wondering and become disgusted when you hear of the rampant child sacrifice and child abuse (imagination is a bad thing! bad!!) in Fantasia.

Credits: Publicola and Diresquirrel on FFN. Mr Ragtop on FFN (the asshole got in a snit and erased his account). Some are mine.

See also Bravery Is Evil, .